Cracked

It’s always sobering to be reminded of our vulnerability. Last weekend I experienced a crushing depressive episode that prompted me to spend a day alone, walking across fields and then for several miles along the beach, with the waves just reaching my boots. I left my phone at home, so I could not be reached or tracked down. I wanted to be missing.

Eventually I returned home, quiet, tired and with aching legs. The next couple of days saw a slow return to sanity, and now, four days later, I’m being careful to avoid a return to that dark place, where logic becomes distorted and I’m real at risk of self harm.

On both sides, my family has a history of poor mental health, with breakdowns, medication and one suicide that I know of. We are all vulnerable, and accepting and admitting that is part of being authentic and human.

But my view is that our mental health follows Newton’s third law, which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In other words, if I did not experience the crushing lows, I would not have the spells of creative brilliance that have allowed me to achieve things others find impossible.